(Herodotus) The Rise and Fall of the Egyptian Empire from the Perspective of a Roman Citizen

(Herodotus)

Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears that you may learn the truth of our enemy of a thousand years, the accursed sons of King Maxen Toten I, or as they are commonly called by the fisherfolk and traders, the Egyptians. Ten thousand years ago in the far away land of Africa, the chieftain Quillable of the African tribesmen was visited by his pagan shaman advisor and told that his heathen gods willed him to take the isle of Sicily, then possessed by the ancient Romans. Though god willed the pure hearted roman citizens of Sicily towards victory, the African invaders were monstrous and vicious, standing eight feet tall and with the strength of six roman soldiers. Eventually the isle was taken and impregnable African fortresses erected. At the same time both the empire of king Maxen Toten VIII and the tribes of Africa lived on the border of the Great Sahara, the desert that never ends, and many conflicts ensued over what land belonged to whom. Ultimately the ancient Egyptians and our Roman predecessors signed a pact that they would see the end of the African tribes, even if it took all of their power to defeat the superhuman invaders. After centuries of fighting with no land gained but neither any lost by either side the Egyptian emperor Maxen Toten XXIV grew greedy and proclaimed his intention to rule nothing less than the world, an intention containing naught but the most sacrilegious hubris. After learning of the Egyptian emperor's intentions through the chieftain of the cannibal tribes of Crete, the Roman emperor Adamus XVII was plagued for many a fortnight with indecision about how to handle the savage Africans and power hungry Egyptians. One night however, Adamus XVII was visited by the archangel Gabriel, who told the emperor that god willed he ally himself with the African tribes to strike down the heretical Egyptian king. The Roman Empire immediately declared war on the Egyptians, taking as allies the savage yet noble Africans, the cannibal tribes of Crete, the illustrious and pacifistic Illyrians and the great Thracian empire as well as their longtime enemies the Babylonians. With the very armies of god poised against him the heretical Egyptian king stood no chance and his kingdom was obliterated through a series of divine plagues. Such is both the history of the relations between Egypt, Africa and Rome and a cautionary tale against the deadliest sin of all, pride.